The Bonnet Chronicles

Proof of life, friendship rituals, and the quiet ways we keep each other safe

There’s something funny, honest, and oddly comforting about the way women show up for each other when nobody else is watching. For me and my girlfriends, that looks like this: a night out, which we refer to as 'being outside', a good time that must include a well made drink, laughs that linger, the possibility of breaking a sweat dancing to everything and nothing at the same time, and then the quiet part of us getting home. Heels off, makeup wiped away, pajamas on, bonnet secured ;and then, before drifting off to sleep, one last thing: a picture in the group chat. Our group chat is something, by the way. I mean we are bare faced, we are mistyping sentences because God knows we are to'up from the floor up, and yet we manage to just complete our pathetic efforts to send this sideways text that we are safe with the evidence of a poor lighting selfie that will never ever get posted to social media. We'll just say its an Ai generated post if it dare makes its way there.

Bonnet on. In bed. Proof of life.

It didn’t start as anything deep. It was more of a “girl, did you make it home?” moment that turned into a ritual. A few of us would get home at different times, and I’ll admit it — I used to be that friend. I’d get home, wash my face, crawl into bed, and knock out. Meanwhile, my phone would be lighting up with texts: “You home?” “You good?” “Hello??” And I wouldn’t answer , not because I didn’t care, but because my only priority in that moment was getting into bed. So we decided to make it simple. When you get home, send a bonnet pic. No words needed. Just confirmation that you’re safe and settled.

Sometimes we don’t even make it to taking off our makeup. Sometimes the bonnet is barely holding on. Sometimes it’s a blurry photo because exhaustion won. One girlfriend, who will remain nameless, texts her bonnet pic when she wakes up and 6am with a "my bad" as the text to follow. But each and every time, late or not, it says the same thing: I made it. I'm home.

What started as a joke became a thing. And then it became ours. ALL OURS, without judgement, face to' up which is evidence of a good ass time that was had. What I love most about The Bonnet Chronicles is that it reminds me how much friendships evolve as we do. These aren’t the same friendships we had as teenagers, where proximity did most of the work. These are adult friendships, layered, intentional, stretched across schedules, responsibilities, and real life. And yet, they are some of the most vital relationships we will ever have.

The Research

Research backs up, that in this period of our lives proximity of friends is less important than the intentional creativity of making the connections in spite of distance, schedules, and circumstances. Long-term friendships are shown to improve mental health, reduce stress, and increase longevity across the lifespan. From adolescence through older adulthood, meaningful friendships help us navigate grief, illness, divorce, loss of parents, loss of partners, and even the loss of children. They are not extra. They are essential. For Black women especially, friendships are often lifelines. They are the places where we can exhale. Where we don’t have to explain ourselves and are able to just BE. It's a space and place where we are held without judgment and loved without conditions. Sometimes that looks like deep conversations and vulnerability. Other times, it looks like a bonnet selfie at 1:37 a.m.

And That Matters!

So Why Does This Matter?

There’s something powerful about ritual — even the small, silly ones. They create rhythm. They build trust. They say, “I see you. I care. I’m paying attention.” In a world that often feels heavy, rushed, and unsafe, these tiny acts of connection help us feel grounded and protected. The Bonnet Chronicles isn’t about hair care (although that matters too). It’s about care-care. About making sure the people you love get home safely. About checking in without demanding emotional labor. About showing up in ways that feel doable and real. As we move through different seasons of life: dating, marriage, motherhood, loss, growth ; our rituals shift. But the need for connection doesn’t. And sometimes the simplest rituals are the ones that last the longest.

So maybe this is your sign to create one with your people. It doesn’t have to look like ours. It could be a voice note. A morning check-in. A weekly walk. A standing “you good?" OR "girl call me tomorrow.” text. Something that says, we’re still here for each other. Because friendships aren’t just about the fun nights out. They’re about the quiet moments after. The ones where we make sure everyone made it home and got the most out of the night out. Again....

Bonnet on. In bed. Proof of life.

References

• Holt-Lunstad, J. et al. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine.

• American Psychological Association. (2023). The importance of social connection.

• Taylor, S. E. (2011). Tend and Befriend: Biobehavioral bases of affiliation under stress.

Malene Brissett is a wife, mother, and advocate for equity who writes as her own form of therapy. She holds a Master’s degree in Public Health and a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, blending research with storytelling to spark conversations that matter. She prides herself on being with the women, for the women—bringing equity and understanding to underserved communities.